The Ten Keys To Perfect Partnership

Ambigamy
Insights for the deeply romantic and deeply skeptical.
by Jeremy Sherman, Ph.D.


1. Find a good enough partner and be 100% committed, even married.
2. Play hard but don’t ever hurt each other. Not even by mistake.
3. If hurt by mistake ignore it. If hurt on purpose ignore it.
4. Be with a partner who is fair enough, and then ignore fairness altogether. Never discuss fairness.
5. Allow yourself to appear to be bullied, bumped, pushed around and humiliated, but never interpret it that way. Keep your pride, hold your temper and don’t retaliate. Be robust to perturbation. Signal your healthy inflexibilities through equanimity not fierceness.
6. In contrast be hypersensitive to your partner’s vulnerabilities. Remember that life is short and that he or she, like all of us, was a vulnerable, disoriented, hopeful uncertain baby in diapers mere days ago.
7. Don’t be, or be with a partner who tends to claim moral high ground. Frame requests as preferences not moral edicts. If you discover yourself claiming the moral high ground, descend off that elevation as briskly and quietly as possible. No one is pope or even bishop. Shed those vestments, even the ones you claim you've earned through spotting other people's vestments.
8. Remember always that no one ever gets the last word on anything. Every act of moral policing can be policed. Every anti-manipulation crusade readily becomes the next, higher-level manipulation crusade. Uplevelsmanship is futile. Partner with someone who understands this too.
9. Remember how rarely people surrender when called to task. Scolding may occasionally generate surface apologies but actually it makes us dig in our heels. You may get the last spoken word, but you’ll never get your partner’s mind to stop churning with resentment for you getting it. Surrender readily and don’t try to get others to surrender. Don’t confuse with or be confused by false claims of open-minded receptivity. We all can take only so much critical feedback.
10. Minimize practical, logistical and financial sources of chaffing. Then don't monitor for fairness the remaining chaffing.

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